7.07.2008

Quickly! Hand Me the Nibby Bar, Watson!

I have the most ripping news! I'm so thrilled I can barely contain myself! While working in the laboratory late last night using the most advanced modern scientific techniques to process sophisticated analytical metrics, I was able to determine that THE WRAPPERS FROM 1 OUNCE SCHARFFEN BERGER BARS ARE PERFECT FOR MY FOIL BALL PROJECT! Bwa-ha-ha!!! Now, nothing can stop me! Ha-HA!!! I have searched long and far and finally, at last! I have found the foil I am looking for!





You see, it all started several years ago...when my friend and co-conspirator Nate (AKA No Hair) proposed joint ownership of a curious object he had spotted on e-Bay: a large shiny ball of aluminum, as dense and hard and heavy as a billiard ball. Turns out a fellow in Canada had formed it by rolling on layer after layer after layer of the foil that he had pulled out of his cigarette packs as he sat at the bar smoking for over 15 years. And for some reason, he had decided that his era of stewardship had concluded and it was time for the ball to find a new home.

I fell in love with it the instant I saw it on e-Bay - a match made in heaven. Strangely, I could go on and on about the ball, rhapsodizing floridly about it for paragraphs, but I will spare you, dear reader and just report that I am exceedingly fond of the darned thing and feel very fortunate to be one of its proud owners.

As part of my custody agreement, I am given possession of the ball in alternating years and during these periods, I am free to add additional layers of foil onto the exterior of the ball, IF that is, I am able to find the proper foil. But it turns out that finding the proper foil has been mind-bogglingly hard! I had no idea what a challenge procuring raw materials was to become. All other obstacles have paled in comparison.

And so, after much more research and discussion on the topic than I'm willing to admit out of embarrassment, I have learned a LOT about cigarette foil. I even went so far as to contact the Canadian Minister of Health's office for crying out loud! What I've been able to determine thus far is that the foil that Eddie (the creator) extracted from his cigarette packs in jolly old Canada a while back hasn't been used in U.S. cigarette packs for quite some time now. Sadly, the foil in the American packs is useless to me - worse than garbage! And the Canadian cigarettes I've purchased in hopes of finding a source have all used the same foil as the Americans! What is the difference between the old foil and the new, you ask (to humor me and make me feel as though this really is fascinating even though I'm boring the hell out of you)? The difference between the two foils (or the crucial one for this exercise, anyway) is that when a gentle flame is applied to the underside (e.g., a lighter), the rectangle magically separates into two distinct sheets: a translucent white paper sheet and a shiny silver foil sheet. This is the essential quality for which I have searched and the one which I have FINALLY found while eating a Scharffen Berger Mocha bar! Eureka!

So, I challenge you in this, my friends: Make a sacrifice for art! Do your part for empiricism! Force yourself to buy 1 OUNCE (they absolutely *must* be the 1 ounce size) bars of Scharffen Berger, eat the delicious creamy chocolate therein and then carefully save the foil for me. It is what I must have in order to achieve world domination and I would really appreciate it.

Plus, I'll trade you something fascinating for it.

Help the ball grow larger still!

2 comments:

ChrisB said...

SCHARFFEN BERGER here I come. Taking one for the cause!

BTW... the blog was good. Not too long but enough detail to reel me in.

Thanks again for a tasty treat at lunch.
Love.
C-

Nick said...

I know this is long overdue for a comment on. But the foil you are looking for currently is used in a brand called: Studio, made by Select Tobacco, Montreal, QC H2K 1W3. 1-866-233-3430